Mystic Rose chapter 3
Mystic Rose
Jayne Amanda Maynes
Copyright©2012JayneAMaynes
Chapter 3
The week went by without another word said about the kindness I showed to those with less than we had. Mom kept a closer eye on me in hopes of catching me doing something she thought she should know about. On Sunday it was again time to get ready for church, and again I hoped to help someone who needed help, but wouldn’t be willing to ask for help. I had thought all week on what I might do, what I had that someone else might find more use for.
“Alex if you don’t hurry you’ll be late,” Dad said
I wasn’t going to be late, if something didn’t present itself I’d go without having anything to give someone else, but it wouldn’t be the first time I couldn’t come up with something I… why did it have to be anything tangible, something that could be held physically, a physical possession? Didn’t people need more than physical help? I know there were days I needed someone to share a kind word of encouragement, a hug, just someone to listen to me without judgment. I put on a smile and finished getting ready for church.
As I approached the waiting place for the carriage I smiled even bigger seeing that mom was sitting there holding Mrs Kohl’s baby daughter giving Mrs Kohl a chance to tend to her other children. My smile sank in even deeper and became more than it had been seeing that small gesture. Was it because mom knew what I had done the previous week and the kindness I had shown became one she wanted to show also? It didn’t matter, what mattered was that I was seeing a side of mom I had never seen before, a side that made me smile even more.
Ralph still hadn’t joined us waiting for the carriage and by now would have to run if he hoped to not make the carriage wait or be left behind. I looked at dad and hoped maybe just once he would take a stand about Ralph, but only saw him look away as the carriage pulled up and stopped. Everyone got on with Mrs Kohl getting in and sitting next to dad and mom getting on the childrens wagon with me. As the last of us waiting at the stop got on the carriage Ralph still hadn’t shown up and dad told the carriage driver to wait until he did arrive.
Ralph showed up a few minutes after the last of us allowed on the carriage were on, and rather than getting on the childrens wagon he climbed in the carriage with dad. I looked at mom and my smile faded a little, I didn’t understand what was happening why would Mrs Kohl be sitting with dad and mom riding back with the children? I tried to find an explanation that would make sense and only one thing came to mind and it was something I wanted no part of.
When we arrived at the stop for Mr and Mrs Galen they were standing there with Mrs Galen wearing the dress I had given her the week before. She looked so pretty in the dress I found I was again smiling knowing she would likely be wearing it until it was in as poor of condition as the dress she had worn the previous week. Mom saw where I was looking and started smiling as well.
“I’m so proud of you Alex,” Mom said, but never offered an explanation for why she was riding with me on the childrens wagon rather than in the coach where she had ridden as long as I could remember.
When we arrived at church it dawned on me I hadn’t seen Mickie while waiting for the coach nor once the coach was again underway. As mom and I waited for dad and Ralph to get out of the coach, I saw Mickie sitting next to Ralph in the coach. As dad exited the coach he stood by the door to offer a hand to Mrs Kohl as she stepped out, followed by Ralph doing the same for Mickie. As Mrs Kohl took the last step off the coach dad gave her a kiss like the ones I had seen him give mom so many times. I didn’t understand, that kind of kiss was supposed to be shared only between a husband and his wife, yet here was dad giving Mrs Kohl that kiss. I saw mom out of the corner of my eye and saw her turn away when dad gave that kiss to another woman.
“Mom what is going on? Why is dad kissing Mrs Kohl that way?”
I saw a tear on moms cheek at my question and realized something was happening that was wrong. Dad was casting mom aside for another mans wife, and mom was going to become the servant who would be shamed at ever opportunity. Mom wouldn’t have anymore of the nice dresses, and the rides inside the carriage. She would become the joke in the community, the woman who had it all and lost it to another woman, even Mrs Galen would have higher standing before long. So I was suppose to sit back and accept this since I was a mere girl not yet of marriage age. What about Mickie, she was even younger than I was and it seemed she was going to now be married to my brother, and when she looked at me it was with spite, not friendship.
What happened that so many things could change in a week. All I wanted to do was help and somehow it seemed those who needed the help were those I had sought to help, but the help they needed wasn’t the help I had given… maybe in the case of Mrs Galen, she really did seem to be happy for the help I had given.
“Mom what is happening here? Why is dad kissing another woman the way he should only ever kiss you? Why does it seem Mickie is better than anyone now and wants to be with Ralph? None of this is making any sense to me mom.”
“Alex you father wanted to arraign for you to be the wife of someone I know you would never love. I stood up to him and so he has chosen to cast me aside and you with me. Ralph asked for Mickie’s hand and it was given, this afternoon she will be his wife. I don’t know why she would look on you with loathing, your status hasn’t changed.”
“Dad set you aside and has taken Mrs Kohl to replace you? How can that be, what about Mr Kohl?”
“Your father offered to trade Mr Kohl wives, even trade, but only Mrs Kohl and I were in the deal. Mr Kohl wanted to protest and refused to accept me though he was willing to accept my help with the children.”
So the reason for my birth came to light. Mom knew who I am, she knew I was destined to be the Mystic Rose even when I was a babe in arms. She didn’t understand it, but she did know it.
As everything came into the light I knew who I was to help this day, and I knew helping them would mean others would be cast down from the perch they had built for themselves. On entering the church I asked to talk with the minister before service started, I needed to know his stand on what was taking place, and if he would be willing to stand against the injustice.
“Alex, thank you for what you have done. We didn’t know what we would do if you hadn’t shown mercy as you did.”
“Mrs Galen, I only did what any caring person would have done if they were able. That dress is beautiful on you. It never looked so good on me. I see you were able to mend the tear it had.”
“Alex it isn’t the dress and shoes, I suspected they came from you and I do want to thank you for them as well. It was that you let me ride in your place on the wagon last week, that was what I meant. The doctor said had I walked last week I would likely have died, because of your generous gift I was able to recover enough that this week I am stronger than I have been in quite some time.”
“Mrs Galen I am glad I was able to help, I’m sure anyone would have done the same if they could have.”
Did I really believe what I just said? Would anyone else have given Mrs Galen their seat? I thought of the look I had gotten from Mickie and knew the lie of the words I had just said. It wasn’t that they were a lie so much as I didn’t want to believe people could be so uncaring toward one another.
“Just the same Alex it was you who gave me the rest I needed not someone else., for that my family and I are thankful.”
As she went in to find a seat the minister came up wanting to know what it was I needed to talk with him about. As I asked my questions I noticed his discomfort assuring me he was aware of what was happening and did support those happenings. To do what I had hoped to do now would likely not only likely make me an outcast like mom, but also likely get me banished as well. I didn’t know what to do now. Nothing was how it should have been, if I were banished I wouldn’t be of any help to anyone, and being an outcast would make helping more difficult as well. Could I hold my words, could I sit back and let these people destroy the lives of their fellow man? Something had to be done, but what could one small girl do? I couldn’t say I wasn’t of marriage age any longer, Mickie had proven that wrong by accepting my brother as her husband. When the minister gave me his advise of biding my time I knew what I would do, what I had to do. If it meant suffering on my part so be it, I couldn’t sit by and not say, or do anything. It would make me just as guilty as those who cared only for the high station in life they thought they held.
As the main service was closing I stood and walked to the front of the church, I stopped as the song came to a close and as the minister asked if anyone would volunteer to close the service with prayer I walked up to the podium.
I bowed my head for a moment of silent prayer and when I looked out again I saw not the people who needed help, but the people who because of the station they had, were to have offered help, but withheld not only the help they could have given, but refused to allow anyone else to help also.
I lifted my arms and called on the mercy of He Who Was and Is, the creator of all that walks on the land and swims in the seas. I called on his grace to lead us in all good things, and asked his forgiveness on all who placed themselves above another of his marvelous creations. I stood there as a wind came up and the presence of Life came into the service and stood before me asking what of this life was worthy of such grace and mercy.
“You call to me for my grace and mercy yet there are many here who have no grace, there are many here who have no mercy. To what purpose should I grant what you do not have in your heart?”
“Merciful creator it is by your word I call on you. You have said to seek humbly, seeking not that which is our own and you would hear. I call on you to show mercy to those who suffer at the hands of the merciless. I call on you to give grace to those who have been removed from grace. I stand before you a child of grace, full of mercy, seeking only the promises you have offered to those you love. I stand here an intermediary for those who have lost their voice, and fear the mighty who worship only what they have in this life. I bow before you the master of all that is and was and will be. My hope is for the mercy of old be shown again unto those here who know you and you know. Amen.”
The wind blew harder as I stood in the midst of the church watching out over the congregation and seeing each who the Power of the creator touched and lifted high. I felt the earth under me as I stood there with my arms raised as to reach out to the Power of the creator himself. The wind blew and a rose formed and another until each of those the Power touched had a rose that was theirs and theirs alone.
Mom was the first to come forward and to her I gave a rose of beauty made special for her, a rose that matched the beauty of her soul. Next came Mr and Mrs Galen again I gave each a rose unique to them alone. To each to came forward I rose was given and the love of the creator was shared. When the last of those the Power of the creator touched came forward those the Power did not touch came forward in hopes they to would receive of the bounty of the creator, as they stepped forward they each received not a rose but a bramble, the beauty of the rose was not shared with them for the tangle of thorns they created for the children of the creator.
As the last of those who were there came forward the touched of the creator circled me and offered to care for the Mystic Rose in a manner worth of the creator himself. Mom looked at me and smiled knowing she could no longer have me to herself, but needed to share me with all who held hope in their hearts.
The end
Mystic Rose chapter 2
Here is the next chapter in the story Mystic Rose. Enjoy!!!
Mystic Rose
Jayne Amanda Maynes
Copyright©2012JayneAMaynes
All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Chapter 2
On the way home from church Mrs Galen insisted on walking even though I offered to let her ride again. I saw she had been crying and wasn’t sure why, but suspected it was the dress that was still hidden away in their bag along with the shoes I had placed there. Mr Galen was smiling, but looking around as though he had done something wrong. I thought back on the story in church and thought how strange it was that it came without warning. Mr and Mrs Galen always told us what the following weeks lessons were going to be about, but the lesson in church didn’t follow along what the previous weeks outline for this week was about. Instead the told us about the Mystic Rose, about how no one really knew what the Mystic Rose was, but there were many many stories about it and they all held one truth in common.
They looked at me smiling as they told one of the stories of the Mystic Rose, this story told of how the Rose was a person who gave of them-self without thought of what hardship their giving might bring on them. No one ever knew for sure who the Rose was only that in this instance it was a person. I started to feel uncomfortable as they told the story knowing if mom and dad ever found out about the dress and shoes I would be punished even more than for having given my seat on the carriage to Mrs Galen.
The story made it sound like they were saying I was the Mystic Rose, something I couldn’t accept, yes, I wanted to help those less fortunate than I was, no, I didn’t want anyone to know it was me either, but surely I wasn’t the Mystic Rose. When we got home I just wanted to lay down for a little, to rest and think of what this day had brought so far. Was that all it took to be the Mystic Rose? Give a little help wherever you could without thought of what might happen to yourself personally. It couldn’t be that simply if it were more people would give just to claim the title, and seek the glory of the stories.
Mom wanted me to help in the kitchen once I changed out of my church finery into everyday clothes. All I wanted was to rest and resting would have to wait until the meal was served and the dishes cleared away. I started changing my clothes and Ralph came in saying he had a secret and he was going to tell mom and dad and I would be in big trouble. I thought of the dress and shoes and figured somehow he knew I had been the one to give it, but before I could say or do anything he darted out of my room. A short time later mom and dad came in asking if it was true I had given my seat on the carriage to Mrs Galen on the way to church.
“Alex how are you ever going to learn your place in society if you keep letting those of lower station feel equal?”
I didn’t understand I was a girl of almost marriage age, but still only a girl. Mrs Galen was a person and I didn’t see how I was any better than her simply because I had been born into a family that had more money. As far as I knew we were equal, and I knew my place in society. I thought of the boy mom and dad had been looking into for me to marry and hated the idea, but knew he liked the idea of me as his wife.
Me a wife? I could see it now I knew the boy I wouldn’t mind so much being the wife of, but mom and dad would never approve of him since his family didn’t have the money to keep us in the status mom and dad thought appropriate for their only daughter.
“Dad I gave Mrs Galen my seat in the carriage because she was having trouble walking on the way to church and wouldn’t have been able to keep up.”
Here came the lecture of Mrs Galen was servant class and therefore shouldn’t be pampered with such menial things as taking a seat for someone else that has been bought and paid for. I knew the lectures all by heart, I had received enough of them over the years. It upset mom and dad to no end that try as they might I continued to do things that showed those from the servant class as being my equal.
I knew also that the lecture I received was less harsh that the lecture the carriage driver would receive for not having paid better attention about Mrs Galen taking my seat. It wouldn’t surprise me to see someone else driving the carriage next week and the driver from this week would disappear never to be seen again.
“Alex are you paying attention to us?”
I was paying attention, at least I thought I was, but whenever they started in on the lectures everything became jumbled in my mind. I knew the words but the meaning of them got lost so they might as well have been speaking another language. I was sure I nodded that I heard them and was trying to understand, if I did more than that I don’t remember. With each idea they brought forth something else came in overwriting it. We were suppose to be better than other families because we had more. What did we have more of though? Sure we had more money, a bigger house, nicer clothes, but did that make us better than others? Did that give us more than others had? I thought of Mr and Mrs Galen and knew they didn’t have all the extras we had, but they did have more love and compassion. They regarded everyone as better than themselves, and were often the first to offer help when it was needed. Why could they have been my family, I knew the things I enjoyed they would have approved. But then I wouldn’t be in a position to do what hoped to do one day.
The lecture ended when I was able to repeat back enough of what mom and dad said to satisfy them I had indeed heard what they said. As I said I heard the words but wasn’t able to understand the idea behind the words. I knew if something like what happened this morning were to happen again, I would do the same thing I did this time, the same thing I did every time something like this happened, so mom and dad felt they needed to give me the lecture. It never occurred to them they had given me the same lecture so many times I could repeat it back to them from memory, yet would still do the same thing again and again.
“Alex please don’t make us need to have this talk again,” Mom said after dad left. “I don’t understand why you keep doing things like this. Do we need to make a stronger statement?”
So mom was aware of giving me the lecture several times, but what did she mean by stronger statement? “Mom I try to do what you and dad want, I really do, but Mrs Galen really wasn’t up to the walk to church this morning, if I hadn’t given her my seat on the carriage she might not have gone. Isn’t it important at least for church that we share with those who have less when we see they have need?”
I never expected what mom said after my explanation of why I did the things I did.
“I knew that was going to be your answer Alex. I hope the dress and shoes you gave her fit, she really does need them.”
How did mom know about the dress and shoes. Was it possible she saw me pack them in my bag, and noticed them missing when we got home? I didn’t dare say anything to confirm what she said. I wanted what I was doing to go unnoticed if at all possible. I felt if those who had less didn’t know where the things I was giving were coming from they would be more willing to accept the random acts of kindness I felt compelled to do.
“Alex I know the dress you gave Erika didn’t go with anything else you have, and I have no idea how many of your things you’ve given to others. I do know you have given away most of the clothes you either out grew or just haven’t worn in a while. I’m not angry about you doing that, I do wish you would stop trying to hide it from me though.”
“What would dad say if he knew? Mom I know I shouldn’t go behind your back, but I feel that giving those things in secret make them worth more to those who receive them.”
“If you are doing it in hopes of being recognized as the Mystic Rose in the future…”
“I would never do that mom! The last thing I want is anyone to think of me as the Mystic Rose, the little things I do could never measure to what is credited to the Mystic Rose, beside I don’t think anyone has a clue what the Mystic Rose is even.”
“Do you know the stories of the Rose? How the Rose can be anything, anything at all? There are things we do know about the Rose. It is for the benefit of the people always, it seeks no glory in what it does and always works in secret, never seeking any recognition for itself. Alex everything about what you are doing leads people to believe you might be the Mystic Rose.”
“Mom I’m still just a child. If is see a need and can help I try, but most of the time there is little I can do to help.”
Mystic Rose
Mystic Rose
Jayne Amanda Maynes
Preface
The Mystic Rose, a rose of mixed colors that can only be believed if it is seen. That’s what the most of the stories says about it, but there are other stories as well. Stories about how it isn’t even a rose at all, how it is a person, a jewel, or something no one is quite sure what. The oldest stories say it is something different for each generation, and it shows up for a limited time every twenty years and the only one who know just what the Mystic Rose is, is the person it shows itself to.
I was taught all the stories but never really believed any of them. To me they were myth stories told to bring hope, or fear. Stories that inspired people to be more than they thought possible, or to bring someone to see the misery if they tried to be more than they were. So many things about the Mystic Rose contradicted each other I didn’t see how any of the stories could possibly be true. How could something be so many different things, and still the same.
One thing held true in all the stories however, the one constant in all the stories was the Mystic Rose was a guide to the lost, be they lost in riches or lost in poverty, the rose guided the one it sought out into a better more fulfilling life. A life of service to others, but not only service to others, a life richly blessed according to all the stories.
Chapter 1
Sunday morning and mom is determined church is where I need to be, she didn’t understand I didn’t believe the doctrines the church taught. Those doctrines taught that some were better than others simply because of their station in life. Oh yes, I could see why some would consider themselves better, they had more, more food, more clothes, more everything, but they didn’t have more love, more compassion, more joy. No those who had the surplus in worldly goods seemed to also be the same ones who lacked in real wealth.
“Alex if you don’t get moving…” I tried to do what mom wanted but I didn’t want anything to do with her church, I saw it as the root of most of the problems in the community around us.
I was privileged in that our family had surplus in worldly possessions, never did I remember not having food on the table, or nice clothes to wear. I didn’t understand why mom and dad always got angry when I gave away part of my lunch at school and it was their anger that drove me to continue giving away my lunch to someone who didn’t have a lunch. Why couldn’t Ralph stay out of what I did, it wasn’t like I was giving his lunch away.
“Alex if you don’t get moving…” I was almost ready. I just had to put on my shoes. I packed an extra dress in my bag, along with a pair of shoes I hadn’t worn more than twice, because they didn’t fit quite right. I knew if Ralph saw me give the clothes away mom and dad would find out and I would likely be punished and whoever I gave the clothes to would suffer even worse than I would. I didn’t see why I couldn’t give away what I didn’t wear anymore, it wasn’t like I was giving away my new clothes. I knew Mickie needed a nice dress and this dress did have a small tear in it I knew she would be able to fix, and the shoes went well with the dress but would look good with anything else I had.
I came out of my room and Ralph was standing there looking at my bag. “You’re going to give that to Mickie aren’t you?”
I stuck out my tongue and ran down stairs and out to the gathering place on the road. Mom and dad were already out there visiting with Mrs Simmons when I ran up. “Alex what have we said about running,” Dad asked. He knew it wouldn’t do any good to say more and the next time I was trying to get away from Ralph I would run again. The carriage pulled up as Ralph came out red faced and panting. Dad looked at him and didn’t say anything. It was obvious he too had been running, but since he stopped just before anyone saw him…
Mom and dad sat inside with Mrs Simmons and another neighbor who had just recently moved in to the neighborhood. Us kids sat on the back wagon part of the carriage along with the adults who held a lower station in life. I found Mickie and sat next to her hoping we could have a chance to talk before we arrived at church. I wanted to talk to her about the dress I had and see if maybe she wanted it along with the shoes. I knew she really needed a new dress and I thought this one would look so pretty on her.
Ralph insisted on sitting with us also so telling her about the dress was out of the question, at least until we got to church and separated for the different meeting rooms, and then it was likely others would be around who would tell mom and dad about me giving away a dress I never wore any longer. If only I had been able to do what I wanted, but no mom and dad didn’t think I was old enough to make the kind of decision that were proper. More than once I heard mom saying how if I had my way I give away everything until we were as poor as those who couldn’t ride on the carriage to church.
Mr and Mrs Galen were the next stop, but there was seldom room for them on the carriage so only the smallest of their children were allowed and once they were big enough to keep up they wouldn’t be allowed either. I watched as Mrs Galen helped her next to youngest daughter on the carriage and saw she would have trouble keeping up this time. I’d heard she had an accident sometime during the week and was having trouble getting around, but the way she struggled showed just how much trouble she was having.
“Mrs Galen, please won’t you take my seat?” I offered. “I think I’d like to walk for a little bit and it would make it easier for Judith if you sat here with her.”
She gave me the strangest look like… like she couldn’t believe anyone would offer to help make things easier for her. “Thank you Alex, if you’re sure it is no bother. I wouldn’t want to put you out.”
“It’s no bother ma’am I know Judith would really enjoy the time with you more than me, and I think she might ask question I don’t know how to answer again. I remember when I asked the kind of questions she asked last week and no one would tell me because they thought I was to young, I’m not sure I know the answers still.”
She took the seat I offered, but only on the condition I was willing to take it back if I got tired. I walked next to Mr Galen asking questions of why it was they were so poor. To me they seemed happy with life and Mrs Galen seemed like she could find something to be happy about in any situation. I needed to know what it was they could be so happy about all the time. Mr Galen explained that he didn’t have a lot of opportunity to make life better for his family but he was happy because they always seemed to have what they needed when they needed it. He said Judith had just out grown her shoes and somehow they found the money to get new ones for her just before she couldn’t get the old ones on any longer.
I looked at the dress Mrs Galen was wearing and saw it had been mended several time and the material was close to the point of not being able to be mended again, she was going to need a new dress and the sooner the better. I noticed that she and I were very close in size and thought of the dress I had in my bag and thought of Mickie again. Mickie still had a couple other dresses that were in good condition, and yes, she could use another, but Mrs Galen needed it more than Mickie did. As I looked at them sitting on the carriage I noticed that Mrs Galen’s shoes were worn through also.
“Mr Galen how long has it been since your wife had a nice dress, and new shoes?”
“The shoes can hold up a while longer if they must, Alex, but the dress… Sara hasn’t had a new dress in ages, and I know that one is worn badly. We are hoping it will last another month or so until we can get the material for her to make a new one.”
He had a bag much like the one I had and I offered to carry it for him for a while. At first he rejected the offer until he looked in my eyes and saw my concern was genuine about helping in this small way if I could. As he handed me the bag I stooped to check my shoe for a rock and told him not to wait I would catch up before we got to the church. As the carriage pulled away far enough no one would be able to see I took the dress and shoes from my bag and placed them in the bag he had given me. I didn’t think anything of the cost only the need they had.
Once I had gotten the dress and shoes tucked securely in their bag I picked up both bags and ran catching up just as the carriage pulled into the church yard. I handed Mr Galen back his bag and offered to trade places with Mrs Galen so those inside the carriage wouldn’t know she had ridden on the carriage rather than walk.
“Thank you Alex for letting me ride I’m not sure I would have been able to make that trip if I had walked this week.”
“It was my pleasure Mrs Galen, I enjoyed the walk, and talking with Mr Galen. I hope things get better soon for you, so you will be able to make that walk again.”
Mr Galen didn’t seem to notice the added weight of the dress and shoes I had slipped in his bag, and I knew he would know it was me who had put them there when he opened the bag and found them. I had what I would need to show the bag I had with me was indeed my bag and if asked would deny knowing anything about the dress and shoes. I didn’t need them and they did. I had several dresses, but Mrs Galen only had the one she was wearing. She needed something to be happy about after all she had given up the material for a new dress so her daughter could have shoes that fit. I just wanted to make a difference and this wasn’t much but it was all I could do for now. One day maybe I could make a real difference, a difference that would change the lives of many people, but right now if I could make things better for just one person, it was the least I could do.
Ramblings
Lost in time… time lost. It has been so long now since I had a job that paid anything I’ve pretty much given up even looking. What is the point employers want people half my age with my years of experience, right I’m sure they are going to find 29-30 year old kids with 20+ years of experience in anything but school. Yes generally someone in the 20-30 age group are going to cost employers less, but that is because of the lack of experience. Another problem is with experience comes wisdom in what can and cannot be done, along with how it can or cannot be done. I have my way of doing things and no it isn’t easy for me to try doing something I know in a way that makes no sense to me. It is rare doing what I know in a way I don’t know works better or easier, let alone safer and faster, but it seems that is a big stumbling block as well. The jobs I’ve had for the past 20+ years allowed me the freedom to do things my own way. Now my way doesn’t seem to work anymore.
I fell so unsure of so many things, things that seems sure, set in stone. The stone now is crumbling and I see no way of stopping it from doing so. I feel left behind, a model “T” racing formula or even stock cars. I can’t keep up and am falling farther and farther behind all the time. I knew as time passed I would slow down, but I don’t feel used up yet. I feel I still have much I can contribute if given the chance. The profession I have worked in for the last 26 years however is one I feel I can not go back to. The demands of that profession are such I no longer feel comfortable in it. The profession I love currently has minimal demand and few openings. Ornamental iron is a lost art these days of our throw away society. I look at what is being called ornamental iron and cry. Sure it looks good at least in pictures, but compared to what I learned it is junk. 5 years and it falls apart and is cheaper to replace than fix. I have a table that was made more than 40 years ago and looks as good now as it did the day it was first made. I did have to make a few repairs but they were repairs that had the welds been what they should have been never would have needed to be made. The thing about this table is that t was cheaper to repair than replace by a long shot, and with the repairs this table can last for many more years to come.
Notice the problem here? We now live in a throw away society whereas I learned quality, craftsmanship, to make things that will last for generations not just a few years. I learned that to have something meant making something, not speculating on possible maybes. The problem with the economy is that no one makes anything any longer. And those who do are those at the bottom of the social structure. Those who make nothing are at the top, not because they deserve to be, but more often because they found a way around having to work in favor of stealing from those who do work. We live in a society where labor is looked down on by so many.
As the title of this post suggests this is just me rambling about what ever and nothing said here is directed at anyone in particular. These words are frustration being vented only and in now way meant to cast blame anywhere.
My favorite sister and me
Daughter of Life
This morning was the official release of as an ebook of latest story Daughter of Life. For those who know me it may surprise you the content of much of the book, and yes it is a book not just a short story, a book that in my word processor takes 311 pages to tell. Roughly 177k words, and delves into what I am sure many will call heirasy against Christianity. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/121192
Following is a clip from the book found in chapter 20:
“What must a person do to be saved Daughter of Life?”
“Because you see me you do not believe the words of he who I serve? The answer to your question you should as a teacher of the people know in your heart, you should not ask me if your teaching is true.”
“I did not wish to offend Daughter. Forgive me and pray for me a lost soul among men.”
“A lost soul indeed. How many have denied God on your words? How many turn from God by your actions? Your heart is to this world. God is not of this world for he create this world. If you will be of this world why do you not seek the things of he who created the world. Is not the Creator greater than the created? If this is not so, is it not wise for that which is created to worship that which created it? I pray to He who create all things in heaven and earth. He who create both heaven and earth, in this wisdom is found.”
They both looked at me hate showing in their eyes. They turned to go and I held out my hand.
“You say you teach the God of old. The God of Abraham yet you do not understand the thing I have said to you. How then can you teach what you do not understand? Tell me which is more important the law or grace?”
They turned back to me and in unison said grace was the more important, that no one could live by the law thus we are saved by grace.
“I tell you the law is the salvation of the people. Grace was given not because man can not live the law, but because men refuse to live the law. If as you say we are saved by grace why then do you push the law on those who do not believe as you? Would it not be better to love you neighbor and forgive, than levy law on them you who believe different?”
“You hold us to the law Daughter?”
“I do not judge you. If you are judged it is by your own knowledge of evil in your life not because I judge you. I live by grace under the law. It is by the grace I am save, through faith in the Lord and his righteousness of the law. I am a sinner who can not save myself, but through faith in The Son of God I am saved. Therefore I judge no-man least I find myself guilty of sin equal in Gods disfavor.
Judge not that you not be judged, for with the judgment you judge so will you be judged. If you hold someone to the law you should live by the law, and grace has no part in you. If you live by grace you do not judge another for you know your sin will find you out and you will be guilty as they you judge.”
“Tell me Mistress what then can we do?”
“And he said to them do to others what you want them do to you. If you do not wish to be judged then do not judge others. If you live by grace then give grace to others. Make all men greater than you, in this you will find life in abundance.”
I wonder how hard it would be for those who proclaim Christian beliefs to live by this standard. The conversation above is between the main character in the story and two leaders in a Christian clergy. It started because she had been praying and they weren’t able to understand her prayer. It is suppose to have taken place somewhere in France so if the English seem not quite right remember it is a translation from French, and no to the best of my knowledge it never actually took place the story is fiction.
A Reason?
The following took place over the last couple weeks in an online group I am in. A group that was started by my bestest friend in the world. While she is no longer in this group for reasons that are hers and I feel only she is qualified to give, I continue in the group.
This whole thing started because I was feeling very down and out, the topics on the post board seemed to be about sex and nothing but sex, something there hasn’t been much of for me even before my marriage ended in 2006. I had been on this site since the end of my marriage in 2006, if is where I first started coming to terms with who I am. It is an adult dating site so that the posts were about sex shouldn’t have been surprising, and is part of the reason I was thinking of leaving not only the group, but the site itself. I had left the site for a little more than a year, but since it was the only place I had of staying in contact with my bestest friend I did return to gain the support I missed from her and to offer her my support.
Each of those who I quote here I hope won’t mind as you can see toward the end some have given me permission to quote here. In my final post in this the last paragraph is directed to LisaLiploss alone, and since she did respond to my previous French comment in French I’m sure she will understand what I said, or am trying to say.
The idea of Leaving the group is gone, nowhere have I received such support as the members of this group have given. I thought I wasn’t getting anything while in return giving all I had. Strange how wrong I was. I in this post alone have received more from the members of this group than I have ever given to the group. I owe them a great deal for their support and acceptance.
A Reason? (106 views)
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JayneAmanda |
I wrote this yesterday Farewell! and what it says will take place unless I can find a reason for it not to. Just thought you all should know. |
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LisaLipgloss |
Au revoir, Jayne. x |
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DeeAnne62 |
You will be missed. |
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JayneAmanda |
I have to ask. How many feel I am letting down the next girl that comes along if I leave? That all my experience is for nothing if I am no longer here to share it? How many of you think I am being selfish if I go? I’m not sure any of you understand what I have been through since admitting Jayne does exist. I’m not sure you can begin to know what it feels like to even after 4 years on HRT have one of your family members refer to you with the wrong pronouns. to have no one in your family willing to call you by your legal name simply because it isn’t the name they think you should have. I’m not sure any of you can begin to know how that wears on you day after day year after year. This post was me hoping to find a reason to stay, not to say good bye. yes the blog post linked to it is a good bye. I have a blog off this site I prefer and so at the first of the year the blog here will be dead. All the posts will be gone, and I will no longer use the blog here. I was hoping however that this group might be different, that maybe I did belong here still, but if the comments here and in the blog are an indication then I have to wonder why I am still here. I guess what I told my best friend today is the sum of this whole thing. I’m tired, I’m burned out, I don’t belong, I have nothing left to give. For me this site was never about sex, if it were it failed me miserably. For me this site was about discovery, about having a safe place to be myself. It doesn’t feel like that safe place to be myself any longer. Lately it feels more like the place it was when I asked a question that goes something like this….. Is Sex all there is? Is sex all that anyone cares about? I’m sorry I never forgot the answer the Girl who became my best friend gave me to that question. She isn’t here any longer, and I don’t know if she will ever be back. I do know if I leave I won’t be, not here, not on this site. When I leave this site it will be for ever, because for me sex isn’t all there is. for me life is about one hell of a lot more than sex. It is about friends, sharing pain, and laughs. being there for those who don’t have anywhere else. For me that is what this group was. I don’t know anymore. All I know is it hurts and I no longer know where to turn. I have nothing left. Nothing fit for this site if it is only about sex. |
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LisaLipgloss |
Jayne, this group has never been about sex for me, if I was just about sex I wouldn’t be on this site, I’d stay on Fabswingers or tvchix. But sex is in the mission statement right there on the page: “hookup posts are welcome”. Sex is part of our lives, after all, to greater or lesser extents, and it should be represented in our group. I presume that was in the founders’ minds at the time, as much as the reason for starting the group was about support, pure and undiluted. And that, as far as this girl is concerned, remains the mission – to support, for any and all. Maybe we need to rewrite our mission statement. I’m not sure what it was about the comments you received that makes you think you can’t find support or that we’re all just about sex now. That’s not what I saw. As I promised you, there would be no maudlin funeral if you left, not from me. But I don’t know how to respond now. If I let you go I feel I haven’t tried to make you stay but I don’t know how to try to make you stay either, because I didn’t think thats what you wanted. And I don’t know what to do to make the group more like it was. I can’t. Lisa’s gone and she was such a big part of the support this group gave. I’m not that Lisa. I can only try to replace the massive effort she put in, an effort which clearly became too weighty a burden for her. The group will evolve because of those who come along. We can only support those who need it, not force newbies to tell us all their darkest fears so we can feel useful. But people like Gina and Patti make me smile and feel I belong, which is the simplest form of support we can give. A sense of belonging has meant so much to me this year. Maybe your burned-out feeling needs a rest, Jayne. So take one. Hide your profile and gather your thoughts away from your concern for where this group is heading. Because even if it disappeared, the work you and Lisa did remains in all of us who experienced it and has already manifest itself elsewhere. I recently advised a newbie on another site who was hell-for-leather to go as far as possible as quickly as possible after a divorce. I managed to calm her down and go to counseling. I would not have felt I could’ve done that a year ago. It’s not visible here but that was support which came directly from this group. To be honest, I am getting a little tired of being told (and not only in this group) that I can’t possibly understand. No, I can’t. But when my dad had Cancer I didn’t call him to say, “Sorry, Dad, I’ve never had Cancer so I can’t support you and I won’t bother trying to comfort you.” |
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vanessagurley |
Jayne, I feel the same as Lisa. You must be the master of your own future but we would love to have you continue to be part of our little group and keep chipping in with your opinions and feelings.
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kinkygurlfun |
Jayne, I want you to stay. I know you can’t get support from my stupid comments and I have never been where you are. I’m taking my first steps and can never be as intelligent as you. I’ve learn things from You, Lisa and Amanda. When you post we all learn from you. I’m so grateful to all in this group for there support with tips, stories I’m not sure I belong here, since I’m only a cd. I have thought about leaving but stay for the friends. Lisa once said “the T umbrella was big and included cd’s” so I stayed on. I know I’m guilty of too many sex comments but I know this group is more then that. I don’t come to this group for sex but I see it as a way we can all have a few laughs. Have fun and enjoy each other friendship. Jayne, you have to do what is right for you. I don’t think we can give you support like your best friend or professionals can. Your friendship here is appreciated and I hope to see more of you. Your health and happiness is all that matters. Hugs, |
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JayneAmanda |
There is a saying I learned when I first started transition Patti, it isn’t necessarily true but it does seem to have a little validity to it. it goes something like this: The Trans umbrella covers a vast array of gender non-conforming people. My opinion is the reason there are so many under the trans umbrella is we all have one thing in common. We aren’t all CD’s, TV’s, TG’s, TS’s, Shemales, Hemales, Trannies, Drag Queens, Drag Kings, or what ever other label you might want to use, but we all still have one thing in common. Above all the labels that can and have been used, we are all first and foremost PEOPLE. We all have basic needs that in many parts of this world we are denied, simply for how we choose to express ourselves. So to say you don’t belong here Patti is to say you are not a person, I hope that gives you an idea of whether or not you belong here. To say you haven’t been where I am you are likely right and also likely right that you never will be, I hope you never will be, I hope no one else every has to go through what I have gone through and continue to go through. No one should ever have to be told by those they grew up with they can’t be themselves, yet in a way that is exactly what I have been told by my sisters.
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DeeAnne62 |
Jayne, As I experience changes in my life, I can’t ask you do remain stagnant here if that is how you feel. We all need to grow and sometimes it means leaving one group for another. Your wisdom will be remembered by those of us who have appreciated your posts. I appreciate your friendship and I will cherish it forever. I just will have to glean your knowledge from other locations on web. I just hope to one day meet you in person but that will likely only happen at a conference like SCC. I have rambled long enough and just would like to add one thing. You are a lady. Regardless of what others think. You have shown that to us all. Huggs, |
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LadyTStrange |
Jayne, I don’t think you are letting anyone down except maybe yourself if you do not follow your heart. |
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RonnieACD |
I’m with Patti–please stay. I haven’t responded to your posts very often, but I always read them because they are among the most helpful and heartfelt posts on the site. And yes, we can do the silly girl thing way too much and it can be annoying. But Lisa’s right. This is a sex site (why Amanda is no loner here),so there’s bound to be a lot of sex talk. Having said all that, we’ve lost Lisa, we’ve lost Amanda, we really can’t afford to lose you too. We have to have someone around to make intelligent comments. |
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JayneAmanda |
I want to ask everyone who has posted here in this thread for you permission to post this thread along with all the responses else where. To do it justice it should contain each of your pictures also. I won’t be correcting any spelling errors unless you would rather I do correct the spelling. The Place I want to post this is my wordpress blog “The Image in the Mirror”. As it stands for now I think the only thing leaving will be my blog on here, I think I still have a lot to learn that I doubt I could learn anywhere else, and just maybe a little more to offer as well. Merci beaucoup à tous pour des soins. J’ai partagé avec certains d’entre vous quelque chose qui je l’espère, explique au moins certains de ce que je fais face à ceux qui sont là en paroles seulement. Je suis à une perte d’exprimer combien ces commentaires signifient pour moi. Comment ils m’ont renforcé la semaine dernière. Merci à tous pour beaucoup.
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52gettingnone (Sorry Ed While your picture on the other site is fine it doesn’t belong here were children might see.) |
Jayne You have to do what you feel is right for you. |
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kinkygurlfun |
Jayne, I will always support what you think is right for you. Thank you, to you and your friends for creating a group here, that us girls can make friends and get support. Take care and hope all dreams come true! Hugs, |
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DeeAnne62 |
Jayne, Huggs, |
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LadyTStrange |
Jayne, Please feel free to use my post here in your blog. Billie |
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vanessagurley |
Jayne, feel free to use my post any time. You will still be missed, big time. |
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LisaLipgloss |
Si nous ne vous laisserions pas citer nos mots, nous ne pourrions pas nous appeler appui et comme Kurt Vonnegut a dit, me n’offrons pas ce que je ne peux pas donner.
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JayneAmanda |
Merci à tous, pour tous les bons mots et l’appui au cours des dernières semaines. Vos paroles ici, signifie plus que les mots peuvent exprimer de façon adéquate. Je pense que je vais rester pour un peu plus longtemps si cela est ok, il me semble vraiment ce groupe est tout ce qu’il était censé être et plus encore. Merci beaucoup! I’ll save you the effort this time of translating from French since I don’t have any idea how many know French. Thank you everyone, for all the kind words and the support over the last few weeks. Your words here mean more than words can express adequately. I think I’ll stick around for a while longer if that is ok, it really does seem this group is everything it was meant to be and more besides. Thank you so very much!
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Transgiving Feast
New to the area I wanted to believe life could be good. That all the years of trying to be what I was always told I was would end. I tried I really did, but that is all it ever really was trying. The harder I tried the worse things got.
Oh there were great times, but even they were tinged with a cloud of wrongness, an incompleteness I didn’t know how to explain.
Every morning looking in that mirror and seeing not what was, but rather what should have been. How long I had wanted to be the beautiful person the mirror showed. But no that couldn’t be, to many expected to much of me and that meant being someone I had come to despise. Why couldn’t anyone see what I did? Why couldn’t I have just been allowed to live the truth?
As with all things though the truth did finally get the chance to come out, and when it did it came out in a big way. The marriage was gone! when only one person in the relationship cares what is the point of the relationship? Things were said and done that broke the bond that kept the truth hidden. No longer did it matter what the world thought. No longer did it matter what happened if the secret came out because there was no longer anything left to lose.
First there was the clothes, clothes that until then had been nonexistent as far as anyone knew. Little by little the wardrobe grew and shrank. The the miscellaneous accessories to go with. Little by little things changed and the need took over, the need for completion, the need to match reality with the image in the mirror.
Pictures were taken and posted in a public place. It wasn’t a conscious thought, no really. It was more a surrender to the truth of what should have been rather than what had been. After the pictures there was the need to venture out into the world. To show the world what it had prevented from being for so long. Therapy was needed to confirm the truth, so was entered into. Even then none wanted to believe, it was easier to try penning the truth behind a lie that could no longer hide it. Promises were made, promises of support, support that became conditional at best, nonexistent at worst. Support that indeed turned out to not exist as time past and information was passed on. To be told that no amount of science would ever change how what I was going through was viewed because religion was more important than facts. A belief that could never be proven right held more sway than facts based on studies that had already been proven time and again.
Thanksgiving coming you and nothing to be thankful for. Ostracized by family and friends, not that there had really even been any friends. Cast out by family that refused to see anything without filtering it through religious beliefs that are corrupt at best. For me to make the claim I had meant I was calling God a liar in the view of so many. No; I hadn’t called God a liar, I had said something happened that wasn’t right just a with a baby born with a cleft pallet, or down syndrome. Not a mistake at least not a mistake on God’s part, but something went wrong somewhere along the line that caused this condition. I knew it wasn’t a mental illness. If it were why had it been there from as back as memory allowed me to look. Why was it nothing I tried could over come the driving desire to identify other than physical appearances suggested.
Alone with all these thoughts that keep running through the mind, wanting what wasn’t, wishing for what never was. What if everything had been right from the start? Could life really… really? Really what? Have been better? Be better? Match the dreams? So many questions so few answers. Thanksgiving. Give thanks with a joyous heart. Peace I give to you my peace I leave with you. Peace! What is peace? Is there anything to be thankful for if there is no peace? What do I need to do to receive this promised peace?
Transgender. Why? What is so different that I can’t be satisfied with what everyone believes? Why couldn’t I have been born with a continuity between my gender and sex? Why did I, or anyone for that matter, have to suffer the conflict between perceived sex and gender? Weren’t sex and gender the same thing anyway? What price had I payed for this confusion, a confusion that wasn’t even mine. Was I confused? Not really I know who I am. If the rest of the world doesn’t know does that make me the one confused?
I’ve heard it said if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it is probably a duck. Sorry folks I am not a duck, I don’t have feathers, or web feet, I am me, an individual a majority of one. I am not you, nor would I wish to be. My gender is something no one but me can see, so if you cannot see it, how can you define it? Yes of course I sound like a man, I am built like a man therefore I must be a man. Wrong you are going on proofs that by their very nature are flawed. The sex binary doesn’t exist the very nature of the human race prohibits such a binary construct.
How do I over come the teachings that said my gender was wrong when if those teaching are right I condemn myself for knowing my gender doesn’t match what the physical evidence seems to depict. A reasonable doubt, if this were a court of law I would already be judged, for the moment I was born the reasonable doubt in the minds of everyone were removed. I had the anatomy to declare what gender I should be, it was plainly there for the doctors and nurses to see. So if a reasonable doubt doesn’t work in making a true assessment what does? Can I blame the misconception of my gender on those who decried me a gender at my birth? They called it as they saw it and the physical evidence lied, what else could they do? No! Those who decried my gender as they saw it, they did not do so maliciously with preconceived notions of purposely calling black white and white black. They followed the guides set down for all live births. They labeled my gender according to my physical sexual characteristics, yet in my case as in many others, though still a minority of all births, they were wrong. I wasn’t what they saw what they chose to believe. I was one of those who doesn’t fit inside the binary code for what is and what is not male/female.
Back to being thankful. There are reasons to be thankful not easy to see reason, but reasons just the same. I can be thankful that I am alive, I am more alive now than any of the years is spent trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be. Now my life is mine, I determine, to set the standard for, to live in a way that allows me to no longer stifle the dreams that have always been there. I can be thankful for the modicum of acceptance that is out there in today’s society. That more and more people are willing to question the teachings of those who adhere to beliefs that reject science in favor of slavery to what is beyond understanding. I can be thankful for all those who have gone this path before me who were willing to brave the prejudice and bigotry, and set a standard by which those following don’t have to see those things to such an extent. I can be thankful for the people I have met and shared so much sorrow and joy with since coming to terms with the decision to be myself and stop living my life solely to appease people who refuse to be appeased.
I can be thankful for the simple fact of being thankful. Thankfulness is a choice we can make or not. If we choose to be thankful we will find reason, just as we will find reason if we choose not to be thankful. Life is hard, even under the best of conditions, being transgender isn’t the best of condition. Maybe in the not to distant future it won’t be as hard for someone who is transgender to be accepted for who they are. For now I will choose to be thankful for everything I have, and mostly because I am one of the few who knows what it is like to live between the gender binary.
Thanksgiving
The First Thanksgiving This painting is by 19th Century American artist Jennie Augusta Brownscombe, who was termed "a kind of Norman Rockwell of her day."
The journey was a long one from all reports, but well worth it if the stories were to be believed. Freedom given to any who were willing to try, freedom from the taxes of the throne, taxes that made no sense and meant no profit. How could things have gotten so bad? What could have made life so unlivable? Did the king not know that people would rebel if he became so greedy as to raise taxes like this.
The ship was to sail in two days and the passengers had already be selected, I had hoped to make the list but when I saw the list my name wasn’t there. My wife’s name was there as were the names of my children, my brother, and his family. My name wasn’t on the list however. I was paying the fare and I wasn’t on the list, I didn’t understand. Someone had to have made a mistake, surely my name should have been there on the list also.
“Mr Andrews are ye ready to get underway sir?”
“Captain surely there is a mistake with this list sir. The whole of my family is on here but my name is not to be found sir.”
“Nay Mr Andrews that is nay a problem with the list ye be seeing. You are right yer name is not among those on the list sir but that does not mean you shall not be going sir. It is here on this list yer name be found Mr Andrews, the list of crew to be sailing this ship.
Mr Andrews it is determined that one of each family must be part of the crew and for ye sir that makes you the only candidate.”
My brother was bound to that inferno chair and neither my son nor my brothers son was old enough to be of help in piloting the ship across the Atlantic. So I was on the list just not the one I had expected to be on.
None of us had considered how late in the year it was getting on when we set sail. We hadn’t thought that there might not be time to plant, grow and harvest a crop this first year. I knew nothing of farming as I had worked as a blacksmith since I was big enough to swing a hammer and hit my mark. Blacksmiths were going to be needed for surely plows would need repair and horses always needed shoeing. What did I know about growing food aside from the fixing of the tools used. Nay none among us were farmers, experienced in working with the land to make anything grow.
We landed near the end of August in the year of the Lord sixteen hundred and eighty-five. We were ill equipped to survive that first year. As we each stepped foot on the land we were to call home we realized just how little we knew of how to survive. The Captain of the ship had a crew of men enough to return across the Atlantic along with enough supplies for that journey and as soon as the last of us staying stepped foot on land the sails of the ship were put in place to catch the wind for the voyage back to the old world, the world we none of us cared to see again.
We stood there watching as the ship faded away into a speck on the horizon. We were going to need shelter and a food supply. The Captain had left us with enough supplies to last us a week if we were careful perhaps two weeks. Hunting could supply us with meat but what of the greens and other vegetable foods we would need. We formed into parties for doing what we knew we were going to be needing. Several of us were set to cutting trees for as to make housing for us all. We determined that one large shelter would be most wise for this first year. That in that way we could eat our meals together an share in warmth if needed when the winter came in. Some of the men thought we should plant the seed we had, that surely there was still enough time for it to grow and mature into a bountiful harvest.
We determined that yes we did need to try growing some crops but we didn’t know which. In the council it was said that while I had the most experience with farming it was all in the making and repairing of the tools not in the farming itself.
I watched as they chose what they would plant and knew the choices were foolish. We were well through the summer and these men were talking planting crops that back home would have been planted in the early of spring. Aye I had no experience with the plowing and planting of the seed, but I knew the seasons of the planting and harvesting as it was I who made and repaired the tools for such work.
I went to my wife and brother and suggested we plant on our own, that the town would need food and the men here were only bankers and such.
We moved off a short way from the camp and I cut down a few trees and setup the forge for my trade. Even these fools would need my trade if they hoped to survive. A few days after getting the forge setup the first of our visitors showed up. Communication was slow, mostly hand signals of sort. My brother started learning the sounds the native people were making and said it was not so different from what we made for words. Once he started learning their words and they ours communications started taking place faster and with more clarity that at first. One of the first things my brother was able to get from our new neighbors and friends was how foolish the men had been in wasting the seed they had planted. Yes it was growing, but would never reach maturity before the first snows hit. Our friends had seen the seeds I had planted as well and shrugged. When the plants started coming up they were unfamiliar with them so did not know if they would mature or not.
We were able to harvest some of the beans and peas I had planted but ever they had not produced as I had hoped. If only we would have had more time. I had become more friendly with our neighbors and they had shown us some of the vegetables that grew wild and were plentiful. Wild game was plentiful and with our fire arms seemed easy enough to down. Our neighbors showed us how to dry the meat from the wild game, and we found the vegetables could also be dried and when used in cooking would reconstitute and be quite tasty and filling.
The weather started changing the leaves turning red, orange, and yellow, before turning brown and falling to the ground. We took great effort to insure we had plenty of wood piled for winter for both heating and cooking. We had taken to drying both meat and vegetables by fire in hopes of being prepared for the long winter our neighbors told us was often the case.
A week before the first snow our native neighbors came by and we put on a feast in celebration of their kindness in helping us prepare for the winter.
Our best hunters went out and brought in several turkeys. The woman had found and dug up a large supply of wild potatoes and the other root vegetables. We built a big fire in the center of our compound and had two deer on spits roasting over the fire.
Everyone ate until they could not eat anymore and our neighbors showed us how we could preserve what was left to help hold us through the winter that was fast approaching.
As the gathering started the shaman for our new friends stood and offered prayers to our friends gods. While doing so our minister did the same on our behalf and half way through the prayers looked to the shaman and stopped. What kind of heathens were these that their shaman was dressed as a woman when it was obvious he was a man? I saw the puzzlement in our ministers face, but ne’er a word came out to call into question the event. The evening past with not a word about the shaman until our friends were ready to return to their homes. As they stood to leave I looked from their shaman to our minister and noticed how much like a woman’s dress our ministers robes looked. I thought on the puzzlement he had shown and dismissed it out of hand. Was our ways any different than those of our friends?
The shaman was one of those who over the course of the short summer had learned some of our language.
“Shaman are you man or are you woman?” cried the minister.
The people all stopped and turned as one to the minister.
“I am the shaman of my people, as you are the shaman of yours.”
“But are you a man or a woman?”
“I am what I am. To be a man is a good thing for those who are men, to be woman is good for those who are women. I am between, I am not man, but I am not woman, in your words I am man and woman.”
“So which are you, you can not be both.”
“I ask you if you are man? I see not a man in your dress, but in your voice I hear the words of man. Can I not be two spirit? Spirit of man, and spirit of woman? In the ways I learn long ago it is say and he is the creator of all and he bless some with a spirit to know men and to know women. To those are the shaman of the people.”
The shaman of the people… someone who can see both as a man and as a woman. The insight such a person would have into the affairs of the human race. I looked at my wife and saw in her something I hadn’t seen before, fear, fear of being known by someone who could understand her thoughts as only another woman could. Fear of a man who could see into her soul. I returned again to the minister and saw anger in his stance, an anger I couldn’t begin to grasp, my knowledge of the Bible was not such that I could understand such an openly hostel stance by the minister. What was his reasoning for it? Yes to us these people were heathens who had not received the Lord as their Savior, but it seemed the ministers reaction was to the shaman only. Was it he feared as long as the shaman lived he would never be able to teach these people of the God we knew?
No there was more to it, this was a hatred toward the shaman, a hatred that made no sense to me. This shaman was what I felt from the time I was a child. He lived openly what I had learned to suppress while still small. I had become a blacksmith out of a need to prove myself a man, this shaman lived somewhere between being a man and being a woman.
I looked at the minister and saw how he wore robes tailored in more a female fashion than a male fashion and wondered if perhaps the anger was a fear that this shaman was living life fully as both man and woman, while the minister felt compelled to hide the feminine side behind clerical robes. Could it be… could the minister like the shaman be of two spirits both male and female? Did he hide what I had for so long, and the sight of this heathen became an affront to his hidden beast?
“Minister this is not the time or place to raise such. These people are our guests and will be treated with respect, if you wish to further this conversation at another time so-be-it, but today is a day of celebration for what the good Lord has provided.”
“You are right Mr Andrews, forgive me my outburst and let the festivities continue.”
So long the world had lack understanding for me and now…
To What Point???
Over the last week I have been trying to make sense of working in an industry where everything you do is open to public scrutiny and critic, where one mistake can mean the lives of not only yourself but oft time others as well. An industry that does afford a great deal of personal freedom but a great deal of regulation also.
Should that industry no longer be regulated as it is? No the regulations are there for the safety of both the general public an the worker also. The regulations are necessary, and my fault is not so much with the regulations as much as the conflicting regulations, conflicting in crossing international borders. An example is the drivers daily logbook. Yes the industry is interstate and international trucking. For 26 years I have done my logbook in accordance with the US DOT regulations, never once having a problem unless I just plan didn’t keep it up to date as I should have.
On October 21, 2011 that all changed, my drivers daily log was up to date or so I thought, but not for British Columbia, Canada. I wasn’t aware of the slight differences between here in the USA and there. I never signed my logbook until the end of the day, because the signature is my statement of everything on the logbook page being true and accurate (violation #1). I have never been good at keeping a recap on my logbook though I have always kept a recap. Violation #2 wasn’t that I don’t keep a recap on the logbook, but that I didn’t declare whether I was running on a 70 hours 8 days or a 60 hours 7 days logbook. With how this job was I didn’t see any reason nor have I ever in the past declared what I was using as that was always determined by the company I was driving for, and the 70 hours 8 days is the standard. Violation #3 was that I didn’t write down the odometer reading at the start of the day. This one makes the least sense to me, what if the odometer doesn’t work? I use was using a GPS and had reset the trip reading when I started that morning, and it is what I use to mark the miles I drive during the day. I’m not really sure that last one was the 3rd violation as I was also told that I was to have filled out the vehicle inspection and sign it at the start of the day also, again something I have never done here in the USA until the end of the day.
All told I have no idea how I am going to pay these tickets and right now I really don’t care logbook violations do not go against the driving record, only moving violations do. I got one of those also however, like the fact I lost my job and and nerve to do that kind of work wasn’t enough. The moving violation was for to fast for existing conditions. I was doing the speed limit on dry road in the middle of the day. I lost control in a curve that was not marked and the truck tipped over on the passenger side sliding off the road.
I give up! I don’t have the money to pay the violations, I no longer have the nerve or the desire to drive truck any longer. And I don’t have the qualifications to do anything else any longer. I give up! I just don’t care anymore! I see no point in this so called world, a world where only those who have can receive and it is the fault of those who don’t that they don’t. I Give Up!
Occupy???
So much talk about all that is wrong, and still no one seems to care to give any answers. Is there such a thing as accountability any longer?
The problems we all face aren’t the fault of any one individual, much to the chagrin of the Republican Congress, They seem to think they can lay all the problems at the feet of President Obama, as do so many who are looking for a scape goat. I am not saying he is innocent and some the blame shouldn’t rest with him. What I am saying is that without exception every member of both houses of Congress are as guilty if not more so of the current situation this country is in.
There are other groups who share in the blame as well. The Judicial System, the Religious System, and the General Population are all guilty. Yes I admit I am guilty of what has happened to bring us to where we are. Am I as guilty as the leaders of this country? I don’t think so, I am not a leader in the same aspect as those in government, but I am none the less guilty.
I am guilty because I didn’t take the time to find out about what was going on in the government, and then let those elected know what I felt was right. I am guilty because I sat by and did nothing when the corporate wheels started spinning into an inequality of the corporate heads vs the workers. I can understand the corporate heads being paid reasonable wages for keeping the corporation moving forward. What I cannot understand however is how they can justify the kind of salaries they are getting, along with the bonuses, when they corporation they over see is floundering.
I am guilty because I sat by when the Justice department said corporations have the same rights as people with not of the accountability. I didn’t demand the Justices who allowed this be held accountable for their actions.
I am guilty, but I am not along in that guilt, every citizen who sat by doing nothing is guilty also. It is easy to blame someone else for our problems, but before we start casting blame we need to look at ourselves and our actions. If we continue to be inactive in the affairs of state we have no right to blame anyone. If however we are willing to do our part, by learning what is going on, and letting those who should be representing us know we can then hold them liable. The Senate and Congress are there to represent us, we elect them and should be committed to hold them accountable. When they go against the wishes of the people they should be removed through election, and someone else given the chance to prove they have the interest of those they represent in mind.
As for the corporations how much power do they have, really? Can a corporation vote? The supreme court Justices may have given they the same rights when it comes to their ability to contribute to campaigns, by removing the restriction of how much they contribute, but they still corporations still do not have the right to vote in elections. Sure they can try buying elections, but any candidate not willing to disclose where their finances are coming from should be suspect of being a corporate puppet, and therefore discounted as a contender for office. Candidates accepting large corporate donations even if those donations are made public should be questioned as well. Corporations care only about the bottom line. They care nothing for the people as long as their profits are favorable (this is a general over all not a given for all corporations).
Then we have have the religious organizations and their involvement in the political affairs. If I am not mistaken any 501(c)3 Organization is subject to losing their non-profit status if they interfere in the electoral process by contributing to or sponsoring any candidate for elected office. I see a lot of sponsoring going on by so-called religious organizations this up coming election as well in the last election. I see some of these organizations who are refusing to show where their funds have come from or where they go. Why do they still have their non-profit status?
I grew up in a religion that made it clear who they supported in the races for the elected offices. They never openly declared for any one candidate that I am aware of but… That religion still supports and lets that support be known certain persons in elections. Each year they become more bold in letting people know who they are supporting, but walk carefully to insure they don’t cross the line, a line that seems to move more and more toward catering to them not losing their 501(c)3 status.
A movement is underway to force change, a movement that I do support though I do disagree with a few of the issues they have presented. I will not take the time now to go over it point by point but will list it here for you to read:
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OCCUPY AMERICA
We, the people, are gathering together out of numerous concerns, but with a common message. Despite the diversity of the 99%, it is generally agreed that government and korporate amerika have failed to meet their obligation to the American people.
We have come to serve notice of repossession. We accept the reality that government is unable to create jobs, and that korporate amerika is unwilling to create jobs. Economists agree that there is nothing that either of these entities can do to prevent the coming economic collapse. Those of us who are paying the dearest price, the American people, are seeking to reclaim control of OUR economy, of OUR lives from those who have betrayed our trust and brought us to the brink of disaster.
We recognize that government and korporate amerika play a vital role in our continued well being. The mass production of durable goods, energy and telecommunication, the development of infrastructure, provision of education, health care and security for ALL Americans, the defense of our borders and public safety.
At the same time, it is our view that the priorities of government and korporate amerika are inconsistent with these roles, and that they have acted irresponsibly and selfishly. Government and korporate amerika have had their turn, and have proven they are incapable of concentrating on acceptable solutions.
Thus, as we, the people repossess control of our economy, we propose the following positive solutions that can be undertaken by each and every American as individuals:
WE HAVE THE CHOICE NOT TO PARTICIPATE ANYMORE
Economists have predicted a serious worldwide recession. Within a year, the mutual funds fueled by 401K contributions will lose value. We are contacting our employers and letting them know we’re no longer going to bankroll Wall St. greed.
STOP CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR 401 K…CASH IT IN…TAKE THE PENALTY, PAY THE TAX…..WHAT YOU’LL GET IS WHAT IT WILL BE WORTH IN A YEAR ANYWAY.
We are not unreasonable. Just to be fair, keep your IRA.
WE ARE FREEING OURSELVES FROM DEBT
We will use the proceeds from early collection of our 401K plans to pay down our credit debt, pay down the principle on our mortgages to reduce our monthly payments, and our continued dependence upon and indenture to the financial institutions.
WE ADVOCATE THE RETURN TO A CASH BASED ECONOMY
We will no longer involve the financial institutions in our day to day transactions. Whenever possible, we will avoid use of credit and debit cards. Obtain cash back from unavoidable debit transactions, avoid ATMs and make cash withdrawals directly from our institution’s tellers. This not only reduces our incidental expenses in the form of fewer ATM fees, but also enables local merchants and small businesses to remain competitive by reducing the fees that they incur from debit/credit transactions. We will stop allowing creditors access to our accounts via autopay. We will stop writing checks, and use, instead money orders for payment by mail, etc., thus reducing our possible liability in the form of overdraft fees and simplifying our personal finance management.
WE ENCOURAGE ALL AMERICANS TO DEAL LOCALLY WHENEVER POSSIBLE
We recognize that there are many commodities only available to us through retail chains and major manufacturers. We recognize the contribution these companies have made to the standard of living so many take for granted. At the same time, we know that a large percentage of these items are available to us through businesses owned and operated by individuals within our local community, and we resolve to patronize locally owned merchants at every opportunity.
WE ENCOURAGE ALL AMERICANS TO PRODUCE THEIR OWN FOOD
The success of the Victory Garden campaign during WW II is well known. We encourage all Americans to devote some yard space, or establish a small container garden to reduce dependence on the commodities market and to reduce the expense of feeding our families while providing better nutrition.
WE ENCOURAGE ALL AMERICANS TO START SMALL BUSINESSES
All Americans should seek opportunities to provide or supplement primary income by competing in their individual area of expertise. In this way, we assume the responsibility for job creation by creating our own jobs, succeeding, and possibly creating others. A parallel economy independent of government and financial institutions must be established as soon as possible if we are to survive the inevitable collapse of the current system.
BUY AMERICAN BUY AMERICAN BUY AMERICAN
‘Nuff said.
WE INSIST THAT THE US END OUR MILITARY PRESENCE ABROAD
The occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan must end IMMEDIATELY. American service members must be returned to American soil without delay, and deployed along our borders to stem the tide of drug related violence and illegal immigration that is overwhelming and destroying American border communities.
WE DEMAND AN END TO THE OUTSOURCING OF AMERICAN JOBS
We, as individuals will research the manufacturers, retailers and service providers we choose. Those companies that outsource manufacturing, customer service and technical support positions will see significantly less of our consumer dollars, and we will let them know why. We demand that the US government raise import tariffs to be consistent with those of competing nations, and that American companies that outsource American jobs be taxed at such a rate as would be commensurate with the cost of employing the same number of American workers.
WE DEMAND AN END TO GOVERNMENT SUBSIDIES OF ALL KINDS
It is our feeling that the role of government is not to fund corporate research and development, nor to bolster the value of already solvent businesses and industries. Private industry is responsible for its own success or failure.
WE DEMAND UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE
Single payer. No compromise.
WE DEMAND EQUAL EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES FOR OUR CHILDREN
ALL American children are entitled to an education sufficient to equip them to compete in 21st century society. All of the necessary resources to make this happen must be immediately deployed.
WE DEMAND EQUAL PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW FOR ALL AMERICANS
We demand full civil rights and unconditional protection from discrimination in employment, housing, credit and public accommodation based on race, sex, religion (or lack thereof), national origin, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation or gender identity, and the right of all Americans to enter into mutually agreed, legally binding marriage contracts.
WE INSIST UPON THE SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE
The plurality of belief systems encouraged by our First Amendment Rights can only be preserved by the complete omission of all religious matters from matters of government. If religious institutions insist on involving themselves in matters of state, we feel that the possibility of taxing churches should be examined.
WE DEMAND THE DEVELOPMENT AND USE OF RENEWABLE RESOURCES
All new government construction must be dependent upon renewable energy to the greatest extent as is practical. Fossil fuel and other non renewable energy sources must be considered only as a last resort. Private industry should be rewarded not in the form of subsidies, loans or grants, but in EARNED tax breaks determined by percentage of their total energy consumption from renewable resources.
WE DEMAND THE IMMEDIATE REPEAL OF MARIJUANA PROHIBITION
The resources squandered on the war on drugs, particularly cannabis enforcement can no longer be tolerated. To the contrary, we see cannabis as a valuable economic resource, providing the opportunity for a new growth industry. Properly regulated and taxed, the addition of cannabis products to the American economy can only have positive effects not only in the development of revenue, but in the relief of a tremendous burden on our law enforcement, judicial and penal systems.
We are not unreasonable. We know that government, financial institutions and corporations are necessary, and fill valuable roles in the lives of all Americans. We feel, though, that the role that government and industry play in our lives must undergo a drastic change if we are to survive as a civilized society. We can no longer tolerate the disparity that exists in this country, and we, the people accept the responsibility for restoring the real values upon which this great nation was founded. We’re not out to violently overthrow the government, or to string up the money lenders from the nearest lamp post. We expect individuals, industry, financial institutions and government all to assume their fair share of the burden of creating a brighter future for all of us. That’s all.
I hope you read it all. As I said I do not agree with all of it, but do agree with it over all. I can and do give my support to this manifesto, as well as to insuring this manifesto is adopted into a bill and presented on the floor of the Congress and Senate. The parts I don’t not agree with I can live with if keeping those parts in would be a deal breaker of this being made into law or going down in flames without even having a hearing.
